I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize