pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I pour the whiskey from now on
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
