I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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