Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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