So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
