their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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