Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize