We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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