Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
