I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
