Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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