my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
