Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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