I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
