How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
