you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
