I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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