I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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