but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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