why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
