some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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