I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
not ubering you a puppy
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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