i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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