Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
