meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
