Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
