I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
