I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
