I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
