I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize