I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
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