you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize