hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
