FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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