I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Pants are for mortals
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
