I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
