capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
