Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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