I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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