We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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