Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
