as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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