I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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