just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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