you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
