Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
