One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
