Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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