I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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