I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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