saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
