rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
