remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
