Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
