I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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