yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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