It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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