lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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