im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
