I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
