Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
