Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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